Bozeman will always have a special place in my heart. It is my home like nowhere else has ever been, or probably ever will be. And the biggest reason is, that is changed me. For the better. I didn’t realize this until I had to write for my Family’s Christmas letter. I started writing about what had happened to me. As I wrote about leaving Bozeman, I realized just how much it had come to mean to me, and how much I had changed. My parents commented that they hadn’t known it was that important. I didn’t mention that I hadn’t either.

My decision to attend Montana State was not the best decision I have ever made. Not because I think it was the wrong decision, but because of the way that I made it. The reason I went there is not because it’s the place that I wanted to go, or the place that I thought I should go. I went to Bozeman because it was close-ish to home, and therefore easy. I thought my parents would approve, whereas the almost certainly wouldn’t approve of Harvard or MIT (not that I could have gotten in anyway). Unfortunately that is the way that I have made many decisions in my life. Often it doesn’t work out too well, but in this case it did.

In most everywhere I have lived, I have been rather reticent. Not that I have been completely antisocial, just that I would much rather stay at home and do my own thing than go to a `party’ with other people. I am the type of person who would rather have one really good friend than 800 decent friends. I don’t like being the center of attention and hate when people talk about me. At least that’s how I see myself. That’s how I was when I was in High School, Rick’s, and now that I am here at BYU. That’s also how I was when I first arrived in Bozeman. One would think that in the highly social environments found at Rick’s and BYU that I would become more social. In actuality I think the opposite is closer to the truth. This is not to say that I didn’t enjoy my time at Rick’s, or here at BYU, just that I am not overly gregarious.

Shortly after I began my stay in Bozeman I decided that I should try to be more active socially. At first I tried to force myself to attend different gatherings. I was unsuccessful. As I started making friends and feeling comfortable around them (something that takes a little time for me) I was able to attend various get-togethers. The more I got out, the more friends I made. The more friends I made, the more I enjoyed their company. The more I enjoyed their company the more I did things. The more I did things the more I grew to like it. By the end of my sojourn, I was more desirous to attend a party, than to do homework. I don’t think anyone realizes just what a change that was. I noticed it at the time, but even then I didn’t recognize the implications.

To illustrate the extent of the change I would like to share what Roy Tubbs told me. I don’t even remember what was happening, but I did something - probably squished an egg between my shoulder blades or something. Roy said, “You know Ivan, I think you are a crowd pleaser.” Then he hastily added, “That’s not a bad thing”. At first I didn’t believe it. In fact I didn’t want to believe it. I don’t see myself that way. I guess I still don’t, but as I thought about it though, I began to realize that he might be right. Perhaps there is a part of me that really is a crowd pleaser. Maybe the (better?) part of me is trying to get out, but the other (bad?) part of me won’t let it. I can almost here the cries right now. “Let me out!” “I only want to help.” “Please don’t keep me locked up. I can help people” Twenty-some odd years of life have certainly muffled those voices, but if I listen carefully… Maybe some day I will have the courage (audacity?) to let the social side out for a spin. Who knows what will happen then. I don’t think if I want to be around when that happens.

Having moved to Provo and being here at BYU, I find that once again I would rather do homework than go to a social event. Sometimes I would even rather do homework than go home, just because I know I will have to talk to my roommates. Not that I dislike them, mind you, I simply don’t like being around people some of the time. I find it very easy to slip back into this old habit. It’s what I call the swimming complex because I first noticed the phenomenon in regards to swimming. When I go swimming I usually enjoy myself, but whenever I think about going swimming I don’t want to go, or I even dread it. It is completely irrational, but that’s what happens nonetheless. I have yet to come up with an explanation for it, except perhaps that I have thought that way for so long, that I can’t think any different. At least I have been able to notice it and force myself to go swimming even if I don’t want to.

Another thing I should explain is that I do like persons. Or perhaps I should say I like people individually. At least most of them. I enjoy having close friends. Someone that I can talk to and share my feelings with. (Even though I experience the swimming complex about sharing my feelings too.) I just don’t like having lots of friends. People whose names I must keep straight. People I must be polite to. People that I have to try and remember if we have any inside jokes, or secret understandings. This is how I feel as I write this, but I don’t think this is how I felt in Bozeman. I must not have to feel this way.

The only thing that Bozeman was missing, and perhaps the key to it’s success, was a very good friend. A bosom buddy if you will. Someone that I really felt comfortable talking to. At Rick’s I had Paula. Here at BYU I have Rachel. At home you might say that I had my brother. At Bozeman, I didn’t have anyone that I felt I could tell all my feelings to. I had many good friends, but no one that I felt I couldn’t live without if necessary. Perhaps this is why I had such a different experience. Maybe the lack of an obvious comfort zone made me reach out and become more than I was before. If so, I am grateful for the experience, but do not wish to repeat it. There are few joys greater than sharing what one thinks with someone who cares and understands. It’s not something I want to give up any time soon.

If you ever get the chance, you should visit Bozeman. It is very pretty, and has a small friendly atmosphere, despite being rather large (by my standards anyway). It won’t mean much to you. It probably won’t ever mean as much to me again either, but sometimes it’s nice to visit places that are important to others. Not because they are important to you, but just because they are important. To someone. c* Princesses and PDAs :pub: [2004-02-14 Sat]

My good friend Raina is letting me borrow her handheld, so I thought that I would write a journal entry on it and about it.

So far I like it, but that may change in a while. I think that the novelty of it will wear off after a while. I haven’t used it very long, but I already feel fairly comfortable with the “Graffiti” method of inputting letters. I still make lot’s of mistakes of course, but I think it’s pretty intuitive. I got “A Thousand Deaths” a short story by Jack London as an eBook. It was reminiscent of “The Island of Dr. Moreau” - the Mad Scientist genre. For some reason London chose for the victim to be the wayward son of the scientist, and actually assisted his father in the experiments. The experiments consisted of the killing, and subsequent revival of the protagonist. It belongs to the category of short story that I think is just a bit too short. I did misjudge the length of the story quite significantly because it was the first thing I had ever read on a handheld.

I went to see Princess Mononoke on Valentine’s Day with my roommate Viper. It was excellent. It was definitely Japanese so if you don’t like anime I wouldn’t recommend it. If however, you like anime or don’t know, then you should watch it. One of the things I liked most about it was, that with a few exceptions, the characters weren’t good or bad. They did some good things and some bad things. Just like real people. I don’t think most people try to be evil. They, nay we, just get caught up in seeking things that we want. Selfishness causes us to do evil things, even though we have good intentions..

After watching it I spent a few hours looking for Princess Mononoke wallpaper for my computer, and found some nice pics. If anyone would like to buy me a present for any reason, you are welcome to get me Princess Mononoke on DVD.