I watched part of The Matrix Reloaded yesterday. Yes, I know it’s rated R. Yes, I did skip the sexual part. But’s that not what I want to discuss today. I only mention it because my favorite scene in the movie is where Neo talks with the Oracle. The reason it is my favorite, is because it talks about making choices.

The Oracle tells Neo that he didn’t come to talk with her to make a decision. He had already made the decision—he only came to try to understand it. Neo doesn’t believe this and states rather vehemently that he can’t do it.

When I first saw the movie several months ago, this scene struck me. It is one of the few ideas that I’m not sure if I believe. Most of the time when I am exposed to a new idea I know rather quickly how I feel about it. The concept of having made decisions without realizing it is something that made me wonder. Are decisions always made like this? Does the conscious mind merely seek to understand and justify what the subconscious (or spirit if you will) decides?

I think that at least in some cases what the Oracle tells Neo is true. The best example I know of this is my decision to go to Rick’s College rather than MIT. I remember very distinctly thinking that I knew the decision the I had to make. Or perhaps the choice that I knew I would make. I knew for a long time that I would go to Rick’s. But I couldn’t “make the decision” because I didn’t understand it. I couldn’t accept it. I still don’t. Can’t. For that reason it is one of the things that I regret. Not that I regret going to Rick’s college, but that I regret not making the decision.

It’s no secret that my parents didn’t want me to go to MIT. It’s no less of a secret that I wanted to go.

Suppose for a moment that I gave in to my parents and ended up making the right choice. Do I get the blessings for having made the choice? Certainly (at least some of them). But is it counted unto me for righteousness? I don’t think so. I think that we need to make decisions of on our own before they do us any real good in the eyes of God. For that reason I don’t think that choosing to go to Rick’s brought me any closer to God. Going to Rick’s did. Nevertheless, I won’t receive all the blessings of that decision until I really make it for myself.

This brings me to my predicament. How am I to choose, when the choice has already been made? How can I stop thinking of the “things that might have been”? For in fact I often do wonder where I would be, and what I would be doing now, if I had gone to MIT. Would I be a better mathematician than I am? Would I be an engineer working on some cool project? Would I be rich? married? dead? Would I have served a mission? Would I be outgoing? happy?

Think of all the people that I wouldn’t have known. Would I be willing to trade them for those I would have met in their place? How can I ever know? That is one thing that has always bothered me. One can never know what would have happened had one chosen differently. They say hindsight is 20/20, but it’s a lie. We only like to think it is. For some reason, I can’t seem to let some things go. I may wonder to my dying day what would have happened if I had gone to MIT. And there is nothing that I can do about it. Except wonder, and pray.

Perhaps all I have to do is understand why I made the choice. Perhaps the Oracle is right. I’m afraid it’s academic at this point. I doubt I will ever understand why I chose to not attend MIT. I’ve been trying to understand it for so long and with so little success that I have all but given up on the idea. However, I have learned that I don’t want to make a decision like that again. That’s why I am glad I prayed about whether Anna should serve a mission. I know, and won’t ever have to doubt that I did the right thing. No matter what happens. That truly is a wonderful thing.