I got my Master’s Exam back today. I got 75 out of 80 which is apparently very good. I’m glad I passed, but I almost wish I hadn’t done so well. That way I wouldn’t have to try to be humble. Sometimes I don’t like doing well, because I think that I have to be humble about it, especially if others make a big deal out of it. For some reason I have the ill-conceived notion that being humble means not feeling good about how I did. This is silly of course, but I can’t seem to get over it.

The real irony is that despite trying so hard to be humble, it doesn’t work. No matter what I do. I eventually do well on something and then feel proud and then almost immediately guilty for feeling that way. Or if I somehow manage to not feel proud of my achievement, then I immediately feel proud of not having felt proud. I simply can’t win. Sometimes I wonder if I’m not supposed to win. I wonder if God keeps me humble, not by succeeding when I try to be humble, but rather by failing at it.

Someday I need to learn to accept that I did well, and be grateful. There is nothing wrong with that. I need to remember that the Lord is the one who gave me my abilities and helped me to develop them. I should just be grateful, and let it go at that. For some reason it’s never that easy, but I think that is what the Lord would want. After all if you asked Jesus if he was humble I am sure he would say, “yes” because he is. He doesn’t need to prove it to anyone. He knows. Someday I hope that I will be the same way.

Maybe I even think it’s cool to have low self-esteem. I’m not sure if I really believe that, but it would fit with the rest of my attitude, and explain some of the things I do. I will have to pursue this line of thought a bit further some time. What would be the implications of such a self-destructive mindset?