Throughout my life people have mistakenly thought I was mature, when I am nothing more than sober. These two attributes are unrelated, but seem to be confused quite often. I took an inkblot test online and the results said that I am dominated by reserve. Kara seemed not to believe that could be the case. My plan has been too successful. I have hid myself even from my friends. Or more likely, especially from them. She, like many people, thinks I am one thing when I am another. I don’t do this intentionally most of the time, and neither do they. Let me explain.

Someone who is mature knows how to deal with things. He knows what he wants and pursues it. He doesn’t let little unexpected things worry him or stand in his way. A mature person is someone that is reliable. Someone who will give good advice. Someone to be respected and emulated. Maturity implies that the person can be counted on to do the right thing. Someone who is humble enough to follow someone else’s plan if it better than his own. Someone who won’t let his feelings taint his actions. Someone confident, who doesn’t need constant positive reinforcement from others. I think the most important quality of a mature person is the ability to deal with whatever comes his way in an efficient manner and without freaking out (I pray you will forgive my use of the vernacular) or complaining.

I am not mature.

I am, however, sober. Not all the time, but often and consistently enough for people to think that I am mature.

A sober person is one who doesn’t get excited about things. They are serious, even grave. They look at life and see not a game, but something with a purpose. That purpose must be fulfilled at all costs and they are willing to do what it takes to comply with what is expected. They don’t enjoy frivolous activities; they would rather be productive than have fun. I am definitely sober. Sometimes I act happy and joke around, but this is not the true me. It wears me out to be happy and funny. But some people expect it and I can’t disappoint them. It is sometimes easier to act happy than to be honest.

Maturity and sobriety are often mistaken. I think the reason they are is the following. As one grows older one usually matures. One usually becomes more sober as well. It is so rare to find an old person who is not a little sober. They have seen too much of this world not to have become serious to some extent. Most young children on the other hand think that life is a game. Few children give serious answers to serious questions. They have seen too little of life to know that it isn’t as great as they hope. Certainly there are exceptions to both of these cases, but they are exactly that—exceptions. When a child is sober it is often a noteworthy thing. For example Mormon was given charge of the plates precisely because he was sober. I am sure that Mormon was mature for his age as well, but this doesn’t necessarily follow from his sobriety.

Part of being mature is knowing how to treat things. Knowing when they can be joked about, and when one must be serious. For this reason unsobriety (levity? gaiety?) is often seen as immaturity. The natural reaction is to then equate sobriety with maturity. If only that were true. This is very similar to the way that quiet missionaries are often thought to be more spiritual than their more exuberant counterparts. In some cases I am sure they are. In other cases I know they aren’t.

I think that most people who know me well would say that I am sober. They may also say that I am mature. I am certainly more mature now than I was a few years ago, but I don’t think I am near as mature as others seem to think. I tend to freak out. I am getting better, but still have a long way to go. I worry that I don’t have my thesis done as well as my advisor would like. But instead of working to make it better, I stew. I spend energy that I can’t afford to waste, worrying about whether I will be able to do such and such a thing, or whether I will be good enough at something else. One thing that I lack, or at least forget to exercise, is a trust in the LORD. If I stop and think about it I know that things will work out according to the LORD’s will, but I usually don’t stop to think about it.

I let what others do affect me too much. I get hurt or take offense even when none is intended. I feel slighted if people don’t pay attention to the things that I want them to. I find that the smallest thing different than I expect can throw me off balance. Even when I had no reason to believe that things would be like I expected. When someone critiques my work I have a very hard time. I know in my head that they are not passing judgment on me, but I am still overly sensitive. A mature person is one who can take well meant (or even malicious) criticism without being hurt.

When something bad happens I like to take time to just bask in my misfortune before moving on like a mature adult. I don’t take the initiative. I procrastinate. I am passive-aggressive. Are these the qualities of a mature person? (that’s a rhetorical question—you don’t have to email me your answer)

I am constantly paralyzed by fear. Fear to try something new, or fear of disappointing someone. Even if I don’t particularly care what a person thinks I will still try to please them. This may sound like a good attribute to have, but I promise you that it is not. At least not when it’s as severe a case as I have.

Lastly, I complain too much. This whole entry is nothing more than me complaining and trying to win someone’s sympathy. Don’t fall for it. I won’t. I know myself too well. Sympathy will do me no good. Advice, however, might.

Some of these problems I have learned to deal with. Others I have not. I hope that someday I will be mature enough to overcome them all. Until then, I thank those of you who have put up with my immaturity. Even those who may not realize I am being immature.