One of last year’s resolutions was to be more open about my feelings. Part of that effort was the creation and usage of this weblog. As the new year approaches I must evaluate whether I have been successful in achieving my goal and whether writing these essays has helped.

First, I do feel I have become more open with my thoughts and feelings in general this year. My parents may disagree, but they aren’t the only people with whom I have to be open, nor the easiest.

First and most importantly I have taken the time to really think about my feelings and be open with myself. I feel that I am better at accepting my undesirable feelings as mine. This allows me to work through them rather than suppress them. I have never been able to expunge feelings by ignoring them, but I used to try to ignore them and hope they would go away. Either that or I would deny that I actually felt a certain way because I didn’t think that I should feel that way. I still do these things, but not as much as I used to. At least, that’s my perception. I have started to accept the idea that just because I feel a bad feeling doesn’t mean that I am a bad person.

I don’t agree with people who profess that you can control your feelings through conscious effort. All you can do is control how you react and whether you allow the feelings to grow. At least that is the stage where I am now. Perhaps later on in life I will have more control, but I won’t be surprised if I never do. In the end, I’m not convinced that it is a bad thing. What would be the point of this life if all that it took to feel happy was wanting to?

There have been few real essays that I have posted which I haven’t been hesitant to post. I often don’t necessarily want people knowing how I feel, and occasionally I am worried that I will offend someone. But then I remember the warning that I give, and the promise that I made myself, and I am able to force myself to post it. If I can’t handle what I post, then I shouldn’t write it. If others can’t handle what I post, then they shouldn’t read it. Remember that next time you are offended :-)

As I decide whether to continue writing entries, I feel the burden of the time that I put in. Though it may not appear it, I usually put in several hours for each essay. This is a lot of time for someone who has to take classes, finish a thesis, teach, and get married next semester. Nevertheless, I have felt a great comfort from writing. Perhaps for the very reason that makes it so hard to do—it is time that I take for myself that I don’t feel guilty about. I feel that I am improving myself, and yet relaxing at the same time. Well not relaxing exactly, but at least it’s a break from the regular routine. Other forms of relaxation usually come entangled with some form of guilt, often over not doing homework. Blog time is 100% guilt free.

I think that perhaps my focus for Le Chat Noir Volant should change this year as I set new resolutions. We shall see if I can find some new use for LCNV. On the other hand I still need to improve on my openness and it could help to continue things as they are. I think for the moment that my good can still be served by writing. See you all next year.