The question that must be on the minds of both of you who read my journal, must be: Did the trip live up to your expectations? The answer is of course, No. How could it have? It was very good however and I feel that I learned a lot. First the travelogue:

I left about 11:00 Monday morning and got to Elko in about 4.5 hours. The drive was uneventful, but enjoyable—mostly because I listened to Man’s Search for Meaning by Viktor E. Frankl. Viper let me borrow it on CD. The book is excellent, and I shall no doubt comment on it later. When I arrived, I found out that, because of tornadoes in the midwest, Anna’s flight to Atlanta had been delayed. Because of this she would miss her connection, and we weren’t sure when exactly she would make it to Elko.

Shortly thereafter we went to the store to buy balloons for when Anna did get back. We realized that no one knew what her favorite candy bar is. I did know that her favorite color is brown and so we got her a brown balloon, along with lots of other more cheerful colors. I settled into the library (which is wall-papered in National Geographic Maps—très cool). I got to meet Mark. We ate dinner, and then had Family Home Evening. Also, they have an old printing press with all the lead type. Very neat. I think that, if I do marry Anna, it would be fun to print our announcements by hand on the printing press. In fact, I call dibs on that idea.

The Elwoods have a killer FHE. They memorize scriptures together, have a lesson (or two or three) and play a game etc. The kids were amazed that we got done in 20 minutes. I guess it usually takes much longer than that. They even keep notes of the meetings! I must say that I want my home evenings to be like theirs. Not to mention their scripture study and family prayer. I am glad that my parents are having FHE with my sister and brother. I wish that we would have done it when I was a kid. We tried to get into the habit several times, but it never worked very long. Perhaps I can learn something from our not having had it. In general I think the Elwoods are a very spiritual and well adjusted family. Very down to earth, and with the right priorities. The kind of family that we all wish we belonged to. I’m sure they have their share of problems that I just haven’t seen, but it’s sometimes nice to imagine that there really are families out there who have everything together. If only to believe that it can be done by real people. So that I can hope that I can make my family that way as well.

Anna called late Monday night and said that she made it to Salt Lake City, and would be coming home on the 10:03 flight to Elko. The problem with this is that the Stake President couldn’t release her until 5:00 that night. It was going to be later but John was looking out for me and asked him to do it as soon as possible since I would need to go home.

Tuesday morning the younger children were sent to school, from where we picked them up a little before 10:00. We watched everyone get off the plane and Anna was one of the last ones. They brought a life-size cardboard cutout of Obi Wan Kenobi to hold the balloons, since he had been there when Mark got off the plane as well. There were of course hugs all around (except for a handshake for me) and many pictures taken. After we located her luggage (which had arrived before her) we went home. The younger children went to school and we looked at a few of Anna’s pictures from the mission. We also watched a video of the mission talent show, and a video that Mark had made with the primary class that he is teaching. They wanted me to tell them a little about Prague, but I didn’t really have much to say. I don’t really know what to say other than I liked it.

Here’s the bad news. Anna cut her hair very short. When she did so, she went from very cute, to absolutely gorgeous. This means that no matter what happens I will constantly ask myself if I like her or how she looks. I don’t think it will be a real problem, because I can usually separate my feelings fairly well, but I will still wonder. I have decided that although I may have at one point preferred long hair, that is not the case now. Many girls look good in long hair, and I certainly have nothing against it (I particularly like it worn in a bun), but I really do prefer short hair. Does that make me weird, or mean that I am following the ways of the world? I hope not. I don’t think that there is anything inherently feminine about long hair or masculine about short hair, despite what Paul says.

Another thing that I learned on this trip (or rather was reminded of) is that Anna is about three sizes to good for me. I don’t say that in an effort to sound humble, or as a compliment, but because it’s the truth. She is genuinely good. Not the look-at-me-I’m-really-spiritual, nor the sickening sort, but the sincere kind. The kind of person who won’t compromise her standards for any reason. The kind of person who cares about others for their sake, not hers. The kind that knows that the gospel is more important than the church. I have no doubt that she continually outworked her companions and the elders in her districts. I have no doubt that she would have outworked me.

After a relatively leisurely day we took her to be released. After that was done, we ate dinner and shortly thereafter I had to go. After a few pictures and a somewhat half-hearted hug (it was probably as awkward for her as it was for me—she was just released as a missionary after all), I left. I got on the freeway at about 9:15 Provo time and made it home a bit before 1:30. I listened to more of Man’s Search for Meaning, and surprisingly I didn’t once get tired. In fact after I got home it took a while to get to sleep. It wasn’t what I would normally call a stressful trip, but I guess affairs of the heart are always stressful.

My feelings for Anna, though far from apathetic, are not as strong as I suspected they would be. Perhaps the most important thing that I learned is that I don’t love her. I suppose 19 months is just too long for my love to go without requital. This realization, however, opened the door, allowing me to see that I did love her, and I am confident that I can grow to love her again in the right circumstances. I certainly mean to have a go at it. One consequence for me is that I have realized that my biggest fear is unfounded. I was afraid that I was in love with love. Id est that I was in love with having a girlfriend rather than Anna in particular. This is no longer an issue—I know how I feel now. I don’t like Anna any less because of it. Thus I must have loved her, and not just having a girlfriend. I know that I am not in love with her (at the moment), and accepting this means that I can see clearly enough to make decisions. Clearly enough to tell if I do love her in the future.

People used to ask me whether Anna was my girlfriend. I was never quite sure how to answer, but at least I could explain that she was on a mission etc. Now I am even less sure how to answer since, as you might have guessed, I didn’t have a real chance to talk to her. I guess that is something that will get worked out soon enough. I have waited this long, surely a few more weeks won’t be that big of a deal. I am planning to visit Elko again on the 13th when she speaks in church. Her grandmother is planning to come over and I will come with her. That will be soon enough. I have plenty of things to think about until then.

All in all I had a wonderful time, if a bit confusing emotionally. I got to know her family a little better, and they are wonderful. I learned how I feel for her. Hopefully I will learn how she feels about me soon. This entry is going to be difficult to post on the web, but I suppose I must—for all my paying customers out there ;-) I don’t think I will tell Anna about my weblog. I don’t want to know if she is reading it. I don’t mind if she does read it, but if I know that she is, then I may be tempted to hold back something. I will undoubtedly tell her about it later as things progress.