Sacrament Program 2024-05-26

You may have heard of the recent internet phenomena in which women are asked if they would rather be in the forest with a bear or a man. Many women choose the bear, which has confused some people. It’s actually really easy to understand once you know that they were traveling with a Sacrament Program. All bears are intensely curious about Sacrament Programs, and so carrying one while traveling in Bear Country will provide nearly twice as much protection as bear spray¹. Men, as we all know, are not as curious about Sacrament Programs, and so dropping one as you run away will actually provide less protection than pepper spray.

This all stems back from a time in the garden of Eden. When Eve made the first Sacrament Program and passed it around to the animals to read, the Bear was the last one in line to see it. Unfortunately, the termite was right in front of the Bear, and “accidentally” ate the Sacrament Program before the bear could see it. To this day bears hold a grudge against termites (and eat them whenever possible) and will always stop to read a Sacrament Program (unless protecting their cubs).