It’s been a few weeks since I’ve sent you an email, but I assure you, I have a good reason.

On Nov. 24th, shortly after leaving sacrament meeting, I was kidnapped by WASP (Writers Against Sacrament Programs), a cabal of evil writers that feel sacrament programs don’t allow enough artistic freedom. I was blindfolded, bound, drugged, and taken to a secret location. I was locked in a cell, but luckily I had a sacrament program hidden that they didn’t find (you don’t want to know) which I used to pick the lock. As I was sneaking through the compound I found a stash of sacrament programs that they were collecting to burn. I grabbed as many as I could carry (using several as camouflage clothing) and snuck out and past the sentries. I made my way through the jungle, using 17 sacrament programs to create a small canoe and paddle. I headed downriver and passed several villages that I thought might be under the sway of the WASP. Eventually, I came to Codajás, a town a little upstream of Manaus. I was spotted by WASP agents, but managed to make my way to Manaus by paying some smugglers with the last of my stolen sacrament programs. In Manaus, I called my family and had them buy me plane tickets. I began a week-long plane trek hiding from WASP by passing through Brasilia, Lagos, Tunis, Lisbon, Halifax, Milwaukee, and finally home to Salt Lake City. I arrived just in time to attend the Christmas party last night.

It was a grueling few weeks, but I am determined to not let WASP stop the work of GRASP (Good Righteous Angelic Sacrament Programs). For more details, please check out my memoir, “American Sacrament Programmists: Ensuring Real Safety In Our Nation,” soon to be turned into a major motion picture.