Because this is Fast Sunday (Chex calendar really quick to make sure), I will refrain from mentioning any food. Because if I were to talk about how delicious food is, then it would probably make you even more hungry, thereby increasing your discomfort throughout the rest of the day—and that would be a real mess. So, instead of thinking about a nice glass of cold water, you should focus on the roast you’re going to have tonight. (That’s a comedy roast, not a beef roast by the way.) At the roast, if your mother-in-law makes you angry, you can make sure to give everyone a toast but ‘er. You can really give her a pizza your mind. And she’ll just have to roll with it. But later, you may have to deal with your spouse when they say, “Soda you carrot all about my mom’s feelings? Cheese Louise!”

“Honey,” you’ll say, “I don’t think she’s a magus-and-wich. I think she’s grape! Unfortunately, I can’t talk about it right now, I have to go do my minestrone interview.”

I’m sure you’ll figure how to handle the situation, you have all bean such smarties.

Well, Cheerio, my scrumptious little peanuts. We’ll talk to you next week. Pasta la vista!