As every good latter-day saint knows, the angels’ second favorite pastime is watching American Football (right after reading Sacrament Programs). However, the NFL has been plagued recently by problems with concussions and brain damage. What the church hierarchy doesn’t want you to know is that every time a player gets a concussion it’s merely a mini-translation. The players are being twinkled one piece at a time. That’s why it sometimes presents as brain damage and memory loss—the part of the player that would normally remember that thing has been taken directly into the presence of God and so it ironically presents as death to the rest of the body left behind. It’s sort of a mini neuron-rapture. The only antidote is reading plenty of sacrament programs to retrain the brain, and of course eating well and drinking plenty of liquids.

So, for today’s Soup or Bowl, choose the soup. The neurons you save might just be your own.