It’s a well kept secret (I only found out two days ago) that Lans Palmer, our current Elder’s Quorum President is a hip-hop genius. His stage name is, predictably, The Notorious EQP. He’s got a whole pile of songs that he’s written, but I’m just going to share one he wrote for his eventual successor as the Elder’s Quorum President.

Stake President on the phone?
Shoulda told him that you’re not home.
Don’t accept that call at all
Or you’ll never have time alone.

(Chorus:)
So you wanna be the EQP?
You better be ripped like me.
Moving couches, beds, and boxes
I’m a middle aged man, you see?

I got more dollies than a spider’s got legs
I can move you without breakin’ your eggs
Chesterfields, Bunkbeds, Divans, or Ottomans
If there’s a moving cup, I’ll drink the dregs

(Chorus)

Got two counselors with hulking guns
They’re more help than a bevy of nuns
With strapping arms and backs and legs
You won’t notice our dreadful puns

(Chorus)

Packin’ in the back of a truck
With way more skill than luck
A tetris master in 3D
My boxes never get stuck

(Chorus)

My muscles are stronger than limburger cheese is
My manners are the kind that always pleases
I shovel the walks when the snow gets too deep
I help little kids clean up their sneezes

(Chorus)

You all hold me in high regard
But I wouldn’t have to work so hard,
If people did their ministering,
But you all know, my record’s unmarred.

(Chorus)

I carry this ward on my back,
Right on my lower back,
Oh my lower back!
Oh… I need an ice pack…